WoT : The Other Side
by Serenla
Summary: OKay I'm not good at summaries at all so just read it - I gaurantee a few laughs! I mean, come on! How hard can you people be? (crosses her fingers)
1. Default Chapter

The Wheel of Time : Unknown Side

Moiraine Damodred wrinkled her nose as she galloped into the Two Rivers, with Lan beside her.

"Don't you just love the smell of fresh, clean, country air?" He asked solemnly

"Shut it." Moiraine replied, all calm serenity plastered on her face. The air smelled of shit, baking, and unwashed farmers.

Immediately children pushed forward from every side.

"Ooooh! Look! A lady! A Lady!" They chanted. Moiraine plastered a smile as cameras flashed. Several children asked for her autograph, and she handed out personalized photos from her bag. It was Prada.

Lan ushered her away from the growing throng, pushing people back savagely, but they still smiled at them, and one exclaimed "I'll never wash this shirt again!"

Later, at the Inn, Moiraine smiled at Nyneave al'Meara.

"I understand you're a local actress?" She asked, her voice coolly musical. It meant she was actually singing every time she spoke_. Just like that Melody babe on Josie… Josie and… and Company, _she thought. _I read that in a comic book somewhere…._

Nyneave's face was turning beet red. _Damn! I'm the famous one! I'll get her for this!_ She thought, a smile appearing as she thought of Moiraine's blood on her lips. She looked across at the Warder just as she growled at her. Growled at her!

The eve before Bel Tine came, and as children scampered about at the streets, Trollocs came!

"Huh! A walking pig!" One girl exclaimed upon seeing the first one enter the village.

The girl beside her shot her an angry look. "What was that supposed to mean! Bitch! I'm not that fat!"

Everyone curiously approached the Trollocs, murmuring "walking pigs?"

"What are you waiting for?" Moiraine screamed while turning around in circles, arms stretched out before her as she whirled faster and faster. "What are you waiting for!"

Nyneave smiled as a Trolloc struck Moiraine. She slumped to the ground. The townspeople gaped.

"What's wrong with you people!" Lan cried in a high girl's voice. He scooped Moiraine up and they galloped from the village.

"What's happening!' Rand asked as he spotted Nyneave and Egwene. Without waiting for an answer, he marched to the trollocs. He noticed that there was a hooded figure beside them, carrying a whip and herding the rest of the trollocs into the village.

"Who are you? What are you!" Rand asked.

"Seven days!" It hissed at him.

"Huh?" Rand scratched his head. And he scratched his head. With one practiced scratch, he trapped head lice under his fingernail. He casually looked at the squirming mini-roach, then casually tossed it to Egwene, who caught it and secretly slipped it to Nyneave's braid.

Nyneave glared at her.

"What in the Dark One's name are you giggling about!" She asked sharply, then added "bitch" in an undertone. She tugged on her braid. Lately, she found she had been tugging at it when her head itched. _Must be dandruff,_ she thought.

"Remind me to go to Wal-mart and buys some groceries." She ordered sharply. Egwene stuck her tongue behind her back, and Nyneave whipped so fast, pulling Egwene's tongue from her mouth.

"Facking beeetch!" Egwene screamed. Moiraine galloped into the village and healed Egwene, then with a look at the Trollocs burning homes, she galloped right back out.

"The walking pigs! They're burning the village!" Egwene cried.

"Me thinks they're Trollocs!" Rand suggested, a hand on his chin. Mat passed them, whirling a rake and screaming the Old Tongue.

"El caldazaar ze babwin gibber blubber ish el al ul ah zoom!" He screamed.

Moiraine galloped back amidst dying people, nearing Mat, she produced a notebook and began writing furiously.

"What did he just say?" Rand asked.

"Since you are the Dragon Reborn, he said 'you fucking sons of bitches! I'll get your flaming green ass if it's the last thing I do! To the Daughter of the Nine Moons!"

"That's awfully long. Wait – what do you mean dragon… dragon what?" Rand asked while Nyneave and Egwene ooohed and aaahed.

"Oh… smart bitch…" Moiraine grimaced.

_She looks so bloody pretty even doing that… _Egwene thought, then blushed.

Moiraine noticed and smiled lewdly. Then, she galloped out again before anyone could say a word.

"Isn't she going to help? She is Aes Sedai, right?" Egwene asked timidly.

"Aes Sedai!" Rand exclaimed. "Aes Sedai!"

"What are you talking about?" Nyneave asked, tugging violently on her braid.

"Didn't you read the tag on her big bre – I mean, didn't you read the tag on her chest?" Egwene blushed furiously. "It says right there, 'Moiraine Aes Sedai of the Blue Ajah' then under that was 'Welcome! How may I help you?' Didn't you guys see?"

"Oh." Nyneave sighed. _Guess I have to become Aes Sedai then. To defeat her._

Then Moiraine and Lan galloped right back in, then they grabbed Perrin, Rand and Mat.

"We. Have. To. Get. You. Out. Of. Here." Moiraine said slowly, making hand gestures.

"Wait! I'll come with you!" Egwene screamed as she jumped into Bela's retreating back.

"You're not taking them away from me! I'm coming too!" Nyneave screamed as she tugged a large chunk of hair from her head.

So the seven of them galloped away from the Two Rivers, not knowing what will possibly lie in wait for them.

And a figure stood darkly, staring at their retreating backs. With a sudden growl, it said:

"Abadeee abadee, that's all for now folks!"

A/N: I know I know it was bloody corny!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Believe me, even I myself know that this is beyond corny – but let me remind you this is fanfiction.

They could hear the sounds of pursuit fading, and Egwene sighed when she noticed they weren't any more Draghkar.

Moiraine glanced at her, and she blushed.

"So… how far is it to Taren Ferry?" She asked the Warder.

Lan opened his laptop and typed something, then he was closing it again in a hurry. It was not easy, doing that while bouncing wildly on a horse.

"Three more miles." Lan answered.

"Oookaay!" Moiraine interrupted, an annoyed expression not marring her beauty in the least.

"Yes?" Nyneave hissed.

"Nothing. I just wanted it quiet." Moiraine answered. Nyneave gave a loud sniff. Egwene rolled her eyes, then she put them back in. "Perrin, what's wrong?"

"I smell… I smell that… distinct, feminine smell…" He said, blushing furiously while Mat cackled lewdly. Rand turned an intense stare at Egwene, and she shifted nervously.

"It's – it's not her. It's me." Nyneave said through gritted teeth.

"Whew!" Lan suddenly exclaimed, while Moiraine smiled and breathed deeply, her face towards the sky and an odd smile playing on her lips.

Soon they had crossed the river, and they were well on their way when they passed through… Shadar Logoth.

"Her, let's check that out!" Rand squealed, pointing to the entrance, where a group of tourists were clustered around a small, balding man with a big beer belly.

"Okay. But let's make it quick." Moiraine said, then started ranting about the place, saying evil things that made Egwene's stomach curd.

"Pools of blood, something naked on the floor, shit! An Aes Sedai could only take so much! I had to empty my stomach! Jeez! Man! It was then I realized that the naked bitch was my very own partner, the mo…." She faded from Egwene's line of hearing. When Egwene heard back, she was not there anymore, nor so were the others, and the group of tourists!

"Boo hoo!" Egwene cried.

"Don't worry, I'm here…" Someone slithered her hands over her, and it was a moment after that she saw Moiraine's reflection in the water.

"Moiraine…" She murmured.

"It's okay. Just a hug, Egwene. Nothing wrong with a harmless hug." The other woman murmured back.

Egwene sighed when she felt the other start to pull back.

"Egwene, I have to leave you now." Moiraine placed both hands on her shoulders.

"But I'll be all alone…"

"It'll be alright. The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills. I must go now…" With a soft kiss on the check, Moiraine vanished from sight. She twinked.

"HUH…" Egwene blinked. "Er… okay….. what now?"

She wandered all over Shadar Logoth, then she encountered Perrin, and together they set off to find the others, and they had all kinds of adventures, and they met a man named Elyas, and someone who flew pass them who was shouting "Laura! Laura!" He was wearing blue skin-tight clothes, with his underwear on the outside and a bright red cape that only tinkers would wear.

Then they arrived in Baerlon.

"Yo what's up my brothers?" A slight boy approached them.

"Hi. We're looking for this lady. About this tall – " Perrin held his hand on his waist. "Dark curly hair…"

"Yes. Is sexy." Egwene added. She blushed when the boy stared at her.

"Well. I see…. I see auras." The boy said.

"Uhm…. Good for you then." Egwene said briskly.

"The Lady you're looking for is over there. Me name's Min." He added.

"Hi Egwene, Perrin." Moiraine nodded her head to them as they entered her chambers.

"What took you guys so long?" Lan wailed.

"Are you pregnant, Egwene?" Rand said accusingly from the couch while Mat sharpened his half-moon spear. Oh wait I forgot he doesn't have that yet. The half-moon spear vanished from his hands.

"What the – " He mumbled.

"She ain't preggy,." Nyneave announced from the other couch. "See? Her stomach's lean and trim. Firm. Sexy," she said.

"Okaaaaaaaaaaay. Who asked for your opinion?" Moiraine asked irritably.

"Sniff!" Nyneave sniffed. Then she gagged.

"Teach you to disrespect an Aes Sedai." Lan said while Moiraine gave a grim grin.

"I see auras, you know…" Min announced once again from the doorway.

"Yeah? Over and that yet, man. Get over it." Moiraine said sarcastically from her reclining position on one of the other couches.

"I am a girl!" Min hissed.

"Sure." Moiraine retorted. "Well, back to business."

"Everybody, sit at the round table on the Chamber of falling blossoms. Wait for us there." Lan said.

"Why are you staying for a while here?" Nyneave asked before they went out.

"Quickie," Lan winked at her while Moiraine gave a cackle of glee.

"But Lan I'm falling – " Nyneave wailed.

"Oh don't worry woman! Haven't you even realized yet that I only like other women?" Moiraine exclaimed.

"Oh," Nyneave oh-ed while Lan stood dejectedly.

"Of to your way then, little girl," He shooed her.

Before the door closed behind her, Nyneave heard a few words before she was truly out of hearing range.

"You mean that, Moiraine?" Cam Lan's rumbling voice. "What about all those times….."

End of Chapter.


End file.
